[Enter as strains of 'You Ain't See Nothin' Yet' emit from loudspeakers]
"Hello my fellow Americans and fellow Iowans! My name is Michele Bachmann, an American girl, and I am running for President of these United States! (pause for applause and laughter) [one Minnesota , two Minnesota, three Minnesota]
Many of you already know, I was born in Iowa, and it always has had a special place in my heart. If I may borrow a phrase, "I am You!". THIS is MY Waterloo! And I want you all to know, I'm feeling the spirit of your native son, Jeffery Dahmer! I could just eat you all up!
That's why it's so fitting that I officially declare my candidacy here, and I want to tell you all about my Jesu...PLANS for my administration.
As the founding father, and descendent of slaves, George Jefferson said, "We'll be movin' on up" with a Bachmann presidency! (pause for applause and involuntary incontinence) [one Holy Ghost, two Holy Ghost, three Holy Ghost]
It's time to take this country back from the people all across the nation! With the current one term occupant of the White House, people have lost their jobs, their homes, their savings and their hope. They've shown time and time again they can't be trusted with the economy, their own bodies or even voting in their own best interests. And I am so proud of my fellow republican governors and state legislatures across the land implementing stringent vote protection laws. Voting is a serious business and best left to informed citizens like those in the Tea Party, Americans For Prosperity and ardent viewers of Fox News. America has gone astray, and my presidency can regain and continue it's exceptionalism.
We have to bring this nation back to the values and beliefs that it was founded on. The sanctity of marriage, Chastity, if it comes with a TV and book deal, the trust and faith in God, state's rights and one corporation, one vote.
And the right to life is of paramount importance to me in my own life as well.
I have been blessed with five children with my husband, and together we have raised three hundred and twenty five foster children and brought them up right, as Jesus had taught us to do. They are the light of my life. And while most of them don't call us 'Mom' and 'Dad' like my own children do, many of them still call me 'Auntie Christ' when I see them out and about.
One thing I've learned talking to good people like you all out there, is that this nation needs jobs. In the last ten years or more, jobs have been our country's most important export, and a Bachmann presidency will make those numbers even greater. The federal minimum wage is one of the biggest roadblocks to employment for many Americans, and I vow to end government interference in the ability of children and men and women to get jobs in this country. (pause for applause and projectile vomiting) [ one Paul Revere, two if by sea, three Paul Revere]
So I ask you, for your support, your prayers and your blind faith like-mindedness as we make Barack Obama a one term president! The Lord gave me the sense to run for president, and I ask you now, that you give your cents, and your dollars to my campaign. Making their way through the crowd, with campaign donation plates, are my acolyte aides. When they come up to you, please give generously. The Koch brothers have some deep pockets, but your contribution will make all the difference in the world. Each dollar and check that you give will be personally blessed by James Dobson and Creflo Dollar before it goes on to do the great work of this campaign. So give for me, give for America, but more importantly, give for yourself and the future.
Thank you Iowa! God bless you Iowa! God bless God! And God bless America!"
